It’s been four months since I was on wordpress, since I decided to leave this blog and never return!
…Well, it definitely felt longer than four months.
I’m not exactly sure why I’ve returned. Part of me was plenty happy to keep the blog private – hidden – and not think of logging in or bothering with that little extra task of maintaining what I was trying to do.
And I say trying, because it isn’t what I intend to do any longer.
Things change. Though I’ve struggled with figuring out how to apply this change to my blog, without changing the pen-name it’s under and without moving the site’s url elsewhere, but still make it clear that I’m no longer resonant with the past posts I’ve written. Sure, everything I’ve spoken about has synthesized into forward-geared thoughts… but for me, it feels different. I feel different.
At the time of June, I was in a busy state of mind. I felt a great deal of pressure from social media, not just wordpress, but from all outlets. The constant nagging subconscious reminder of easy rejection, as well as casual acceptance, both of which (for me) tend to create a hypercritical awareness of myself and how I spend my time and what I spend that time on… I tend to overthink things plenty on my own, such that the likes of FB, Twitter, etc. did not serve me and in consequence, did not serve my writing.
So, I’ve gone off social media more or less. *Small moment of mourning for the loss of a potential author platform~ I wouldn’t count wordpress at the moment, it’s very different from what FB is and what Twitter is and even what Goodreads is. At the time though, it got lumped in with the rest, thrown out with the bathwater – so to speak.
Well, there could still be some practical use to keeping this blog running and active. As always, it’s been a blog for myself, to help me get my head on straight and to use as an outlet for contemplation and experimentation.
There are a couple months left, but this year has been a whirlwind in its own special way. I’ve gone through the process of both publishing a novel and abandoning the pen-name I wrote it with. It was a tricky thing to backtrack and remove what groundwork I had set down, but I wanted to do it because I wanted to free myself to play more with stand-alone publications, not cement myself into a series commitment.
I’ve mentioned a few times in the past on other entries that I am a very mutable person. Still, there are plenty of times I struggle to accept and incorporate this, especially alongside a raging perfectionism that tends to hold me back in a very inexcusable manner. Despite this, I believe there might be merit to figuring out how to process manuscripts and writing in a way that understands this non-fixed approach. I’m currently stuck on how to juggle new & old story ideas and in the midst of that juggling, how to finish a project to my liking.
Maybe none of the projects I’ve been working on in the past couple of years should be finished… But I’ve spent so much time, so many words, so much printed paper on them! 268 pages of a fantasy that’s only half-done and an absolute mess when put to my ridiculing standards of glorious writing, though not so bad when compared to… erm… some other things… like my prior novels.
If it’s about passion, belief in the story, well… that’s a trick for me too because I can easily feel passion for a new story and it wanes the longer I’m aware of the story. I can believe in a story separate from this passion and I’m still sorting through what this means to me and how I can use it to guide my writing journey on a more clear-cut path instead of chopping through thick jungle vines.
For instance, I believe in my fantasy novel that I’ve mentioned numerous times on this blog. I believe in the story, I believe in the presentation – but I do not believe in the narration. I believe only in some of the characters, not all of them. There are parts which are good, there are parts which are meaningful, and there are parts which seem so… off that I just don’t know what to do with them anymore – or perhaps it is that one section I can’t seem to bring myself to write, no matter what prepwork I do.
It’s the same for my speculative fantasy, I believe in the story – do I ever believe in it! – but I don’t believe in my presentation, I don’t believe in my ability to accurately reveal it or manage to grab and pull out the reaction I intend a reader to have…
…And really, it’s a problem when I can’t figure that out. Least, I think so. I’d like to figure it out on my own though because it seems, most of all, an internal issue of a kind.
How about my short story? Y’know, the one I was going to publish a couple months back, but instead disappeared off the face of the earth? Yeah, that one.
Well, it’s sitting right next to me on my bookshelf – edited, and waiting to be polished to a neat formatted sheen by me. I deleted my Smashwords account during the social media purge, however. Which is fine… because if I do publish it – I’m changing the title and cover completely, as well as the pen-name. I’d like to choose a pen-name that is incredibly boring and innocuous and not all that invasive onto the work itself. Though I’ll get to that when it’s actually ready and time to do that.
There’s some decisions left to make in my mind – mostly, whether I weave back in the sexual content of the original story or if I leave the censorship that I edited to cater to a wider audience… it’s a tough decision for me because the sexual content plays a role and I’m rather proud of that scene, I feel it accomplished exactly what I was going for, but I do like a challenge also and I feel that I also executed the censorship well enough too. So, both are equally good when it comes to logistics – which leaves the matter to… heart? mind? my soul? …I don’t know.
Anyways, this post is getting lengthy even though there’s more I could continue on with.
4 months, but it felt like 4 years.
And: Yes, I know NaNo is coming up. No, I haven’t decided if I’m participating yet. I’m waiting for that midnight deadline to decide, of course~
Also, Happy Autumn!